Super sexy, but who knows her age..

Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Mauris auctor pretium orci. Vestibulum id justo. Quisque nibh est, pellentesque et, viverra ut, sagittis id, ante. Donec risus. Donec bibendum urna id ante. Proin dapibus pretium lectus. Morbi ac turpis eu nisl aliquet placerat. Integer justo arcu, bibendum et, pellentesque eu, viverra id, mauris. Praesent id diam. Vestibulum velit odio, tristique volutpat, accumsan ut, condimentum ac, orci. Ut elementum viverra tortor. Sed ornare ipsum. Cras commodo nulla nec leo. Nam mauris. Phasellus orci. Nunc aliquet ante quis nibh. Duis non felis.

Ut bibendum accumsan dui. Donec ut tortor in lacus eleifend luctus. Mauris luctus, mi a dapibus consequat, erat mauris luctus tellus, ut porttitor pede tortor vitae leo. Curabitur molestie volutpat augue. Suspendisse viverra. Donec quis mi eget massa mattis tristique. Pellentesque accumsan dolor quis neque. Morbi non arcu ac tortor placerat ultricies. Curabitur ante elit, suscipit et, rhoncus id, tincidunt eu, enim.

They are all young, but by how much?

Mauris imperdiet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Etiam bibendum dolor sit amet tortor. Donec fringilla. Mauris scelerisque rhoncus enim. Praesent sollicitudin. Etiam eu mauris. Nullam posuere pellentesque nisl. Fusce feugiat metus ac tellus. Cras gravida leo. Curabitur semper diam nec purus. Nunc mauris. Nam fringilla dolor quis mi.

Quisque elit leo, varius id, volutpat fringilla, semper non, ante. Aliquam aliquam. Duis bibendum rutrum magna. Curabitur sit amet tortor a elit blandit faucibus. Donec faucibus, tellus sit amet euismod facilisis, ante lacus euismod urna, eget porttitor purus tortor ut magna. Phasellus dignissim sem quis nisi. Nunc ullamcorper iaculis neque. Praesent quis felis sit amet turpis iaculis consequat. Suspendisse elit turpis, ornare in, aliquet vel, congue rhoncus, nunc. Nulla facilisi. Praesent leo mi, ultrices non, feugiat quis, pretium at, nulla. Duis posuere ornare velit. Phasellus risus magna, pharetra in, malesuada non, pulvinar sed, est. Sed aliquet augue quis sapien. Pellentesque ullamcorper fringilla nibh. Quisque neque magna, placerat a, mattis et, aliquet nec, turpis. Vivamus pretium nisi.

No, no, I am no pimp, I am no playa* as you would refer to it. I am however a genuine person who finds himself leaning towards the scenario of domestic abuse for punching this whore right in between the nostrils once in a while.

You see, it all starts when you hang out with someone, give them a little bit of attention and buy them a drink. Next, they believe you are their boyfriend, spouse, or some other relationship valid term. You have multiple discussions to prevent their feelings from growing to anything beyond another person. But, unfortunately for you, this “person” is nothing more than the last available option on earth.

You haven’t kissed, you haven’t fucked, you haven’t so much as even began to flirt. So where does she get off being a fucking hoe about the situation.

This is where it boils down. I want to beat this trick in the face!

The point is, until I fucking say, “yeah, let’s try dating..” do not fucking try to act as though you are anything more than another individual who should feel lucky enough to retain my attention for more than twelve seconds. I really do not like you.. at all.. stupid cunt.

Many of us do not realize the sexual nature of food. Yet food and sex have tied together throughout human history. They are intertwined from both being a basic human need to the words we use to describe them; hunger, appetite, need, spice, heat…

The old saying “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” may hold some truth after all. Look at how many first dates and special occasions are centered around a romantic dinner for two. A carefully prepared dinner may be capable of working magic especially if you set the table with love and romance in mind.

Throughout history many things, especially foods have been touted as aphrodisiacs. Aphrodisiacs are foods, drinks, drugs, scents or any devices that can arouse or stimulate sexual desire. The FDA says there are no known aphrodisiacs, which of course clashes with the traditions and uses of aphrodisiacs for over 5000 years. The FDA’s small amounts of studies have found no scientific proof that any food, herb, or anything else has any special properties. They say all the aphrodisiac claims are based in folklore and not fact. In ancient times aphrodisiacs were sought out for many reasons including ways to increase performance and sex drive as well as to increase fertility.

Some foods were identified in ancient Greece others by the Aztecs. Some foods were believed to have sexual powers because they resembled human genitalia. We now know that many foods that are considered to be aphrodisiacs are rich in vitamins and minerals which can increase overall health therefore improving sexual function.

The best way to use food to stimulate is to set your table with love in mind. Great cooks say the best food is made with love. Captivate your loved one with sensual foods and flavors that can be savored. Select foods that of varying textures and tastes. To enhance the attraction select foods that can be finger fed to each other. Increase the sensual experience even more by having a romantic picnic in a secluded area. When you are done with the food a blanket is already laid out for other pursuits.

Here are some foods that have been known to be aphrodisiacs:

Vegetables

1. carrots
2. cucumbers
3. onions
4. asparagus
5. artichokes
6. radishes
7. celery
8. tomatoes
9. parsnips
10. truffles
11. mushrooms
12. cabbage
13. potatoes

Fruits

1. mangoes
2. pomegranates
3. peaches
4. strawberries
5. avocados
6. guavas
7. passion fruit
8. persimmon
9. dates
10. figs
11. bananas

Nuts

1. pine nuts
2. pistachios
3. coconuts
4. chestnuts
5. walnuts
6. almonds

Herbs and Spices

1. cinnamon
2. basil
3. pepper
4. cardamom
5. cloves
6. chilies
7. ginger
8. rosemary
9. vanilla
10. saffron
11. fennel
12. nutmeg
13. mint
14. sage
15. thyme
16. cayenne

The basics for writing a great biography include: writing about yourself in third person, start out by listing your full name then only refer to yourself by first name or a pronoun, immediately state that you are a writer and mention your area specialty, your genre or your niche if you have one, brag about your accomplishments and awards. If you have a wide range of writing credits briefly sum them up such as she writes articles, essays, fiction and web content and briefly list some of the places your work has appeared. If you do not have a lot of writing credits or even if you do, you can list areas you specialize in or are an expert in; a degree in psychology or astrophysics, black belt in karate, 20 years experience as a scuba diver, etc. You can also mention your interests and hobbies like art, jewelry making, pottery, etc.

If you write under a pen name or several different names you do not want to confuse or overlap your credits from one name to another. Each name you write under should have its own unique biography. Say you’ve published books under name X but this bio is for name Y, you don’t want to mention those books or anything about name X. It defeats the purpose of writing under a pen name. I write everything from articles to web content, essays, fiction, and poetry. I write on topics from alternative medicine, children’s topics and issues to porn and other sexual related topics but I write under several different names and I keep everything separate, especially the sex stuff. All my sexual content whether fiction or non fiction is written under the name Roxanne Rhoads.

Those that write erotica often use a pen name for sometimes obvious or maybe not so obvious reasons. Some reasons may be you don’t want the other members of the PTA or your church group to know you write steamy sex stories or maybe your ex might try to use it against you when it comes to a custody battle. Just keep your names separate, this includes any clubs or organizations you belong to. Don’t list them unless you belong to them under the name or pen name you are using. Not only can that confuse things, if anyone does any checking up on you it can make you look like a liar.

You can mention in your bio your location (don’t get too specific you don’t want any crazies tracking you down), family, pets, etc but as an erotica author you want to be really cautious in this area. You want to sound like a real person and connect with your readers but you also want to sound sexy and erotic, give them a reason to want to read sexy stories by you. Erotica is in the realms of fantasy and many readers want the writers to be just as fantastic as the worlds and characters they create. Readers may get turned off by knowing you are a stay at home mom of 4 or a bald middle aged man that hasn’t actually gotten laid in years. It may ruin the fantasy for them. That is what you don’t want to do. Your bio should draw them in and entice them to read your work and more importantly, to buy it and want more from you.

You can create a whole new persona or alter ego for your erotica author pen name or you can just stretch the truth in some areas and omit things in other areas. You might want to omit that you are married and have children or just omit that you have children. You may want to make your world sound a little more exciting or adventurous by listing exotic places you’ve traveled to. You can just make yourself sound sexy by saying you get in the mood to write by sipping red wine and draping yourself in decadent lingerie. No one has to know you really sit in front of the computer in sweats after the kids and husband have went to school or work, or in my case to bed because I am a night writer. The erotica author’s bio should be sexy, seductive and maybe even a little mysterious.

Save your bio and use it whenever and wherever possible. You can always modify it to fit your needs, make it shorter, revise it, add to it as you get more or better writing credits. If you have a website or blog make sure to include that in your bio so readers can always stay up to date on where to find your work. My bio is a masterpiece in progress. I’m always tweaking it, changing it and adding to it. It will never be a completed piece, at least not until I’m long gone from this world. That’s how the writer’s bio should be. Always be ready to change and modify, don’t ever get too attached to what’s there because it may change very quickly.

I hope this helps any of those out there who were before clueless on how to write the perfect bio.

So I have this friend that was telling me about a guy he works with and the story is too funny not to share. He works with (what used to be) a real life 40 year old virgin. This guy lives in the room he grew up in…in his parents house…where is parents still live!

As far as we know…he had not had sex until one very special day. On a business trip to Korea, a group of guys…who are his customers…decided it would be funny if he popped his cherry with a Korean hooker. They bought their vendor a hooker and he fucked her while he was in Korea. To this day…it is the only time this 45+ man has had sex. If you bring up the Korean war or anything about Korea…he starts to get the shakes trying to tell you how he has been there before.

Are you ready for the gross part? He saved the toothbrush she used after they did the deed. How pathetic can one person get?

So there I am…in another pointless monthly meeting mind fucking myself just trying to make it through. Why is this meeting more insanely grueling than any other? It is run by a whore…that’s right…a whore. The fucking dumbest lady in the office has effectively slept her way into the top spot and is now running our meetings.

Do you have any idea how much you want to shoot yourself in the balls when a woman who couldn’t watch Sesame Street without getting so confused her head explodes is running your sales meeting?

To make matters worse…the owner…who she is now blowing on a regular basis is in the meeting sees the utter stupidity and says nothing! So the rest of us go on listening to this bullshit as if nothing is wrong! It is complete insanity.

She must be able to suck a tennis ball through a garden hose because I can’t figure out how the greying, store bought breasted bitch is able to get away with something like this. So now…every month we have to watch this train wreck of a human being act like she is smarter than everyone else in the room when we all know full well that she is in fact the waste of human space.

Do you realize that she is actually breathing our air that could be useable by someone else that can productivily participate in society?

It sure does give “blowing your retirement” a whole new meaning…

Essentially, this project has been in progress for about a Month, a client from a large city west of the Mississippi and nestled within the overly egotistical population of Texas decides they would prefer to see a mock-up/composition with their proposal. Needless to say, I have a few thoughts about the request.

How about a, “are you fucking kidding me?” Who in their right mind would offer up free services to send as a perk with a project that does not have a line item in the ledger associated with it. At present, only phone discussions, email transcripts and time have been spent, but at this rate I could find myself spending more money getting the project than I am willing to part with.

The cost of operating a business you might say. Not to me. I guess I would be more willing to assign someone to the task of generating some design compositions towards this project if I were receiving some sort of compensation: hand job, useful company merchandise or even oral pleasures. I have not even received so much as a Thank you for your time.

“A woman died in your store,” rings in the background, the most recent dialect from this overhyped and relentlessly over-played television program. An incense is burning and it reminds me of the days in my history that I attempted to cover the scent of marijuana.

I phoned another associate who often finds himself offering up his interaction services, “I wouldn’t do it,” he said loudly. I totally agree. I could understand if I was a simple, single-man operation, freelance or just bored out of my gourd. But I am not. I am an individual, responsible for the health, welfare, and income generated for multiple people.

Making bad decisions is something I am prone to do, but not at the risk of financials. How about you take your request to get a free composition, mock-up, or homepage design — whatever you feel as though you should call it and stick it right up your asshole clown.

That is what I would really like to say. Instead I mention, “if you are willing to sign a contract and pay for the billable hours associated with the design composition, we can begin producing something viable.” But in reality, we can’t. We can make anything we want at any price we want. It is the benefit of our industry. But all you punk fucking kids out there with photoshop are ruining business for real, educated and experienced user-interaction companies.

There is a process, strategy, and proven method used to determine what elements are included in an interface design. We don’t just open Finder and double-click photoshop, throw in some graphics and call it a day. We analyze, study, solicit feedback, input and expression. We mix your personality with our skills; your requirements with absolute necessities; and fight revisions with function over design.

The kids with photoshop I mentioned before are all fun to have around. They have a purpose, whether it be inspiration or competition. Sometimes they act as motivation and proof that we are the best in our industry.

Overall, I want to say “fuck you!” to you schmucks thinking you can be everything but a designer, but continue to pound out modified versions of Template Monster templates.

To everyone else, I hope you find this well, a rant, a smooth yet hacked together mental conversation that needs to be placed somewhere. In the end, I guess I will drink my iced-over milk, smoke a cigarette, and conclude with, “let’s go bang bitches!”